Lies of life part two

Continuing previous post, here is what she told me about her problem.

She was 22 when she knew a quite shocking story about her father that she and her family didn't knew. Before marrying her mother, her father had been married and abandoned his first marriage. He just left his former wife and children without bothering about divorce and any other tidbits about family. He just simply vanished from his former family.

To make thing short, he then went to another town and start a new life there. In his new life he met her mother until finally married and had her and her siblings as children. For more than twenty-two years, he kept about his former marriage as secret, nobody in his new life ever knew him as a married guy, at least he was.

What bothering my friend's feeling is not about her father's deeply kept secret about his marriage. It's about his attitude toward his former wife and children. It's about responsibility as a husband and father. As a woman herself, he couldn't accept a man abandons his family without any sign of responsibility. In brief, it's about her father's ignorance. He was irresponsible man in her opinion. And an irresponsible man is not worth as a father.

Maybe some of us just simply think that kind of problem is only part of buried past, but once again she couldn't and still can't accept it. She feels ashamed about her father, especially after knowing her father's former family member. How a man with responsibility could just ran away neglecting his family and leaving them in desperate condition?

She also had a talk with his father's former wife, this made things worse. Her father's former wife is a nice person, she didn't mention about how cruel he is. She only told my friend about her struggles and hard times because of being a single parent. She told my friend about her endless struggle to keep alive in her early marriage. Even before she and her children were left behind, they're in difficult condition, socially and economically. Socially because they're living in absolutely alien society in another island, economically because they just started a family for four years but already had two children. They didn't even have their own house; they only rented a very small house. Once they're left, they had to move from one place to another, and the most difficult task was finding a job for a woman with two small children that she had to raise and take care of. Sometimes some people in her new place had negative opinion about her and didn't believe about her husband's irresponsible attitude. They said it's just her excuse to make life easier.

My friend also gave a strong point about two children being risen only by their mother in difficult and hard condition without ever remember seeing their father. Day by day they're being told by their mother that their father is missing and cannot be found. From waking up in the morning until going bed in the night, they pray to meet their father someday. This happened for more than twenty years.

Her father admitted what he had done, including what his former wife had told to my friend.

She couldn't continue telling me about anything he heard from his father's former wife. She can't imagine what people said about fatherless child. Maybe it's now a common thing not to know a child's father, but this happened more than twenty years ago, when there is only rare case about unknown father. And surely people opinion is different in twenty years time span.


After my friend told me almost every single piece of frustrating particle out of her mind, I asked her about the night before, about why she wanted to die. Ooops that was one time mindless illogical wish. So it seems, even a really logical and rational person, an emotionally hard-shocking event can bring someone out of mind, even for only short period of time.

Again, this time I said nothing about her story whatsoever. I only positioned myself as a good listener. Too bad I couldn't gather her dropping tears and return it to her :)

Lies of life part one

A close friend of mine just called me in the middle of the night. I thought it was a little bit weird for a girl with tight schedule to call me during her sleeping hour. I felt something could happen to her. And I was correct; she had something urgent to talk, at least for her it is an important thing.

She called me right after entering her room after came back from her parents’ house in another city in another province about 300 miles far. She said my name, but when I said "Yes," she hung up the phone. At first I thought she was kidding, but considering she is a rather serious person even in relaxed condition, I tried to call her back. No answer until my third attempt. I wouldn't dial that much times if she didn't call my name in the first time she called me that night. Also, I could detect something strange from her speaking tone, like someone sobs and tries to stop crying.

Again, my assumption was proven correct. When she answered, the first thing I heard was her cry. To be honest, I was glad she didn't talk to me in that condition directly, face to face. I might not be able to stand to see tears without letting my own tears drop. I’m too easy to influence emotionally. In another part, I tried patiently to pay attention but I was still wondering about her problem.

At last she said my name again, and I struggled to sound nice to cheer her up. It didn't work that way, she continued to drop her tears until some points I thought she was choking and running out of air. When she calmed down, I called her name, when she said "Yes?" I asked again about what going on. She didn't answer my question; she said she wants to die instead. And panic came to my mind, without second thought I asked about where she is, she told me that she was just arrived and she was in her house, and I said I'll be there in a moment. Her place is only five minutes walk, so I urged myself to get there half running.

Not quite surprising when I arrived there, two of her friends were still awake as usual, playing brand new PS3. I only said hi to them, and hurried to my friend's room. Inside her room I found her sitting on the floor still wearing her traveling clothes and her bag looked untouched. She was hugging her knees, crying silently with almost drained tears. Calmly I sat in front of her but she didn't appear to care, she didn't even bother to look at my face.

Finally after several minutes, she looked at me but didn't say anything. I it was a good sign to be aware of her surroundings. So I asked, "Better now? I'll be back in the morning." She only nodded. I got up and went outside. Before leaving I said to one of her friend to accompany her tonight, but she said she still want to play the game. I replied, "Play in her room, use headset and if she asks tell her I told you so." That worked so I went back to sleep, not in my room but their living room. She is not suicidal type, she is tough one, but I couldn’t take any chance.

The story temporarily ends here; I'll continue the story next time. But before that I just want to say that sometimes we can deal with someone in trouble just saying almost nothing and see the progress. Asking about the matter directly could help, but in this case I felt it could only bring her to worse condition. She was calm already so I left at that.